If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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