if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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