My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize