How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
