Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
