Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
