Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
What a dumb baby whore.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
