I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize