Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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