i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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