I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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