Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
