I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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