i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
