You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
third nipple confirmed
If I had your ass I would rule the world
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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