I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
