Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
