$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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