my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
