He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
