So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
