Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
