You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
