im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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