I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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