Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
