If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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