I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My pussy is not your playground.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
