i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
