Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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