Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
