Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I can't turn off my feet"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
