i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
