Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
