my phone needs a breathalizer
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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