I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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