My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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