Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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