I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
