I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
