I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
