Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
