I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
