Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
