I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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