I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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