We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
