When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
