This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
