I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Acid is not a monday night drug
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
