The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
