I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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