I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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