i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
