Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
