lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
