mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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