just tell him i said nine months
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize