it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
