Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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