I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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