i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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