My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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