you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
