3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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