pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The adults are the big ones right?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
