I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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