shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
